living in the present with ivf
"the secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."
if there’s anything i’m very honest about, it’s that i’m a naturally anxious person, but there is nothing more that can push me off the ledge than uncertainty. uncertainty has always felt to linger around my life, something that’s had survival mode on standby to flip on when my reality starts to crumble. uncertainty is a double-edged sword that has and continues to shape and test my limitations, while making me feel like i’m on the brink of drowning.
motherhood has been calling for a bit of time now, and i’m done waiting. at this point, i’m fighting my biological clock, and i’ve realized that as much as i love companionship, i don’t need a partner to be a mother. i’ve done everything in my power to make sure i’m one step closer to it – from surgery to tens and thousands of dollars of treatments, downsizing to save money, ending relationships that were deadends, and making sure i found happiness in my independence. it’s been an incredibly empowering process, but i’m so scared. i’m so fucking scared. i don’t even know how to plan for what’s to come because there’s so many unknowns i can’t factor in and make sense of to make a whole picture.
a couple weeks ago, i had my first follow-up consultation with my doctor about my timeline, and it was a conversation that shook me. i learned that from the 22 eggs that sit in storage, i’ll be left with 6 viable embryos in the frozen embryo / biopsy / genetic testing route (an additional $4k to my already $70k+). on top of that all, i’ll have a 32% success rate. if you’re curious about that egg to viable embryo math, i’ll drop that below:
total of 22 eggs retrieved and currently in storage
90-95% or 20-21 eggs will thaw and survive
approximately 80% or 16 will successfully get fertilized with the donor sperm
approximately 40% or 6 will turn into embryos
if you didn’t know, i had a walnut-sized uterine fibroid that i had removed last year because it would lead to a miscarriage by it blocking blood supply to the baby, if i were to ever get pregnant. i was asked to come in next tuesday for a saline sonogram to make sure the fibroid didn’t make a comeback. if it did, i’ll have to get surgery again and give my body a couple months to heal (an additional $5k). i’m hoping for the best news possible, but the looming rumored layoff at work to hit tuesday isn’t helping my anxiety at all.
anyway, i thought i’d try and share out my journey for anyone who’s interested about the ivf journey. i’ll keep you posted on my appointments, the specialty drugs i’ll be taking, associated costs, side effects, how i’m feeling, and likely lots of hormonal rants. and, while i’m at it, i’ll capture as much of this as i can on film.
xx, mira
