father’s daughter

i will always be nostalgic about life in the pnw. i think moving away to portland was me entering adulthood and experiencing the first true chapter of my life. admittedly, i think i was running away from a lot of my problems and i hadn’t really processed what led me to the decision to pack a couple bags, leave my dog, and move away from home. 

a couple years prior, my parents had gotten divorced. the process was hard, even at 23 - even when i knew their marriage had been falling apart over the years. even reflecting back on it, it still makes me a bit sad. i felt as though my relationship with my dad seemed like such a lie. bits and pieces of that time i still carry with me and i don’t know why. the last few memories i have of him are seeing the back of his head when i was running after his car (the last i ever saw of him), and calling him on my birthday, his birthday, and the holidays and knowing very well he was never going to pick up. the day i gave up trying to get a hold of him, i had left the library after studying for finals, i drove to hy-vee, i bought myself a slice of chocolate cake, ate the entire slice in the car, and then i just sat and screamed into my hands. after that day, i carried on holding onto so much hate and anger for years. 

i didn’t revisit these memories until i was 30 when i was finally in therapy. over those 3 years, i processed the hurt and my abandonment issues, and i finally learned to understand my dad so i could forgive him. he isn’t perfect, but who is? i’m thankful that today i can revisit core memories that make me happy - showing up to my first dentist appointment mid-work to tell me i have nothing to be scared of, the day he taught me how to ride my bike in the courtyard of hawkeye court apartments, smiling and giving me the thumbs up as he headed into another round of chemotherapy, buying me my first perfume that smelled of peonies, and showing up to my tennis lessons to tell me how much i’ve improved. 

there’s parts of me that remind me so much of him. i see it so much when i look in the mirror because i look so much like him. he shaped my love for science and art, my curiosity and independence, and many more. i remember for awhile i would say that i am my mother’s daughter, but truthfully, i was so afraid to admit to myself that i am my father’s daughter. 

i owe it to both my parents for my independence and resilience that lead me to learning about myself in portland. i was so broken when i had gotten there, and so thankful for sean for letting me crash in his living room for a few months rent-free, then later connecting me with my later roommates who brought a lot of joy to my life in their own little ways. those four guys introduced me to a side of me that i didn’t know could exist. because of our work schedules, i ended up spending a lot of time on my own venturing around portland and all the different neighborhoods to find new places for coffee, a midday brew, a new food cart, or dive bar. i came to appreciate doing everything on my own and to not be afraid to enjoy life alone. i miss my bike rides, my long runs training for my first ever half marathon, driving out for hikes, and showing my friends momo’s, where i had become a regular. i was also pescatarian for a full year.

in order to feel safe during this time, i didn’t want to connect with anyone on a very personal level because of hyper-independence. it was the easiest way for me to feel safe because i was still hurting from my past. to be clear, i didn’t know this was even happening until i was in seattle, sitting at jarrbar across from my boyfriend thinking, “i could see myself being a regular here.” after everything that happened this year, i wondered if i was doing it again, if i was wanting to runaway again but to seattle this time. who knows, because i would move here in a heartbeat. 

seattle was a friendly reminder of who i was then and what still lives on from life in portland. i still love the outdoors (with visiting all 52 national parks on my bucket list), finding hidden gems for coffee, a quick bite or drink, biking, photography, and the rain.