everyone serves a purpose

heartbreak is necessary. through it you learn self-worth while you sit through the uncomfortable and that dreadful silence. along with self-worth, i found a sense of independence. i saw something while doom scrolling the other night that hit me really hard. he said,

“you should let yourself get swept away a little bit, because it’s one of the best feelings in the world. with that high of being in love, there is the low of being heartbroken… and it’s important to feel that.”

if i’m being completely honest with you, i didn’t think anything could be harder than the year i watched my marriage dissolve, all while accepting the toxicity and generational trauma that exists within my immediate family. but 2023 has been a whirlwind of emotions, and so far it hasn’t gotten any easier. however, i’m still here and forever thankful for those who have showed up for me time and time again, for those i never expected to show up for me at all, and for those who entered or re-entered my life and brought a new light and outlook for me to stay resilient. i love you all - and if i don’t say that enough to you, i’ll do better.

some time has passed and i’m happy that i can admit that i truly cherished my first (lol) marriage. today, i value my rekindled friendship with my ex-husband. he holds such a special part in my heart and i think he knows this, at least i hope he does. he was the first person i ever met that made me feel grounded, made me feel unconditionally loved beyond my flaws, made me feel safe, and somehow lived to tell the tale of my hangry episodes. my first memory of seattle was with him, and it was the same trip i got to share my love of the pnw with someone. that two-week backcountry camping trip was epic, and it also confirmed he was the one - or so i had thought. i have so many fond memories of that trip from portland, crater lake national park, c'oeur d'alene, glacier national park, seattle, olympic national park, and astoria. we spent the first couple years a thousand miles apart, only getting to see each other a handful of times. we signed a lease to our first ever home, got engaged, planned a wedding, got married at chez in the heart of chicago (how the hell did everyone get so fucking drunk except us?), bought a home in logan square, went to marriage counseling with a woman i initially hated then came to appreciate, and then we got divorced. it was nobody’s fault. the divorce was amicable, supportive, logical, and quick.

could i have made it work? maybe temporarily, but i knew we’d grow to resent each other, and i could never imagine living out our lives like that. he deserved so much more than that. i cried a bit over the phone after our court session, and cried a lot alone afterwards. stepping away from my best friend after growing into adulthood together over the span of seven and a half years hurt. it really fucking hurt, and i did everything i could to not show him. i didn’t want to lose him, i didn’t want to lose his family, and somehow in that whole process, i lost my own family.

losing my family is the heartbreak i never imagined i would have to experience. this hurt carried through my next relationship and while longing for my family, i fell in love with the wrong person that mirrored the abusive tendencies of my upbringing. i have normalized so much that others would find alarming. my partner and i lived in a shit hole of a coach home but had an amazing yard and garden. in the summer, we would open up our windows and blast our records so we could hear it in the yard. harry styles had released his new album, “harry’s house,” and his song “matilda” struck a cord. i broke down. nobody knew what i was experiencing while i processed what was happening with my family, and somehow (as ridiculous as this sounds) harry styles made me feel seen - wtf?

matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright
but i know that you feel like a piece of you's dead insidе…
you don't have to be sorry for leavin' and growin' up

i don’t want you to think i hate my family, because it’s quite the opposite. i love them very very much. while being in this new and abusive relationship, i saw how they chipped away at me and brought me to a place where i saw very little value in who i was. i fell into and accepted controlling and manipulative behavior that triggered my abandonment issues stemming from my dad who cut ties after my parents divorce and my mom who was emotionally unable to show up for me. i fell back into depression, i drank heavily to cope, i stopped caring about my health, i got isolated from my closest friends, and i couldn’t see a way out. i was trapped. then i thought this is the best i will ever do because this is somehow the love that i deserve, so we got engaged. i had a candle thrown at my head, a baby gate at my body, his hands gripping my shoulders to push me into a wall so i couldn’t leave, my personal belongings thrown into traffic while threatening me, and was constantly blamed for a reaction to their disrespect - nobody gets angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did. i didn’t recognize what was even happening. was i crazy? was i the problem? i didn’t have any energy or the ability to walk away. i grew up in survival mode, walking on egg shells, always avoiding confrontation, making sure everyone was okay but me. i wish i could have that time back, but in many ways this relationship served its purpose for me to see value in myself again, and to clearly see red flags.

i still struggle with my family. we haven’t exactly had a relationship for the past 3 or maybe 4 years now. i forgive them, i love them, but i realized that you don’t owe anyone anything just because you’re blood relatives. i’ve learned so much about ‘chosen family’ the last couple years - it’s so beautiful and fulfilling to find love in places you never knew could exist.

god, am i trauma dumping right now? so sorry. i guess i just wanted to provide some context as to where i am today. i think i was meaning to write more about seattle, yet here we are haha. if you know anything about me, my mind goes off in so many directions and sometimes get stuck with something other than the task at hand. i know i’ve shared more than you probably cared to read, and you might be bored, but nobody told you to keep reading. that’s a you problem. but if you got this far, hey and thanks regardless. there’s so much to unpack here. i swear i’ll eventually get back to seattle with much less of an emotional dump. fml but i’m going to continue.

with all this heartbreak, i want you to know that i don’t regret any of it.

at the start of 2023, i convinced myself i didn’t need a partner because i was so tired of getting hurt - that i don’t deserve love at that level because of how damaged i was. i was at my breaking point. after that relationship and cutting ties with my family, i started fresh - reconnecting with my chosen family, making new friends, and starting my fertility treatment journey.

i realized i wanted to raise my kids the way i needed to be loved. they’re not here yet, but i love them - strange, isn’t it? i’m excited to meet them and be mom. i want to be their safe space, their best friend when they need me to be, and to be just mom when they need a hug. i want them to know i’m always here and a phone call away. and if i’m dead while they read this, that sucks lmao. i hope you find humor in this and recognize me in these words.

anyway, where was i? i made one of my new friends in the elevator of my building on my way out for a run. he’s who i needed to meet. he unknowingly taught me it’s okay to be hurting, happy, and healing all at the same time. i felt seen, understood, and safe again… finally. we’ve spent quite a bit of time together talking late into the wee hours of the night, what we want out of life, sharing stories of friends and family, and eventually stumbled into realizing we wanted to be together. so to answer your question after seeing that guy in my photos of “who is this guy?” that’s him. we had one full day together in seattle. although he didn’t get to come to love the pnw the way i have, that’s okay, because i had fun that day - minus all the bug bites.

lately, i’ve found myself unhappy again but i realize it’s been my fault all along. i’m terrified to get hurt again, so i do what i do best: keep the people who choose me at arm’s length, finding anyway to sabotage and point out why they should leave me. i might’ve done a good job of that this time. i think we fantasize about relationships being picture perfect, butterflies, the honeymoon phase, being swept off your feet, and whatever else, but i think in my breaking point this year i had to grieve this fantasy that someone can complete me, fix me, rescue me. i read that mature love requires a grieving process of this idea and that a partner’s role isn’t to make us happy; rather, their role is to be the safe space for healing and evolution. he’s been exactly that and i should’ve focused on that, not our differences that are worth a conversation.

i wish i would’ve let myself get swept away a bit because you should choose those who choose you.

so here’s to the last three months of 2023 and hoping things get better. fuck, i’m almost 36.

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i left my heart in the pacific northwest